First, let us acknowledge that our abortions never go away. They are a fact in our life story that shaped subsequent actions and decisions. Abortion recovery programs play a pivotal role in helping women and men, but they do not erase abortion from our past or our future.
Natural Consequences
A retreat or a group can't protect us from unintended consequences as a result of an abortion decision. Often it is these unforeseen circumstances that cause us to question our healing. For many, the initial sense of relief after the abortion masks these realities:
If the parents are in a relationship at the time of the abortion, statistically, that relationship will end.
According to the Guttmacher Institute, 50% of women will go on to have multiple abortions.
Studies in Finland and research by the Elliot Institute indicate that women who have had abortions are at greater risk of depression and suicide than women who carry their pregnancies.
Regardless of future marital status or healing programs, other realities come into focus:
Your parents are missing a grandchild; your aunts and uncles are missing another niece or nephew; and the number of cousins will be fewer by one. You are missing a child and possibly future grandchildren
She will think often about the child and with each passing year make a mental note of the anniversary of the abortion or the baby's due date. She will think about how old the child would have been.
If he wanted the baby, but she didn’t, he had a profound sense of helplessness when he had no legal right to challenge the procedure. This can result in lingering frustration and grief at the loss of the child.
Having other children, or never having children, can be a painful reminder of lost fatherhood and lost motherhood.
Our abortion decision is the stone thrown into the pond that has ripple effects on us and our future.
Abortion is a loss
The reality of abortion is that it is a significant physical, emotional, and spiritual loss.
Grief over the death of a family member or dear friend dims over time but we continue to love that person, think of them, and reflect on our relationship with them. We are supported in that grief and subsequent healing by others who know the person or recognize the importance of that person to us.
Yet, after more than 66 million abortions in the United States since 1973, our culture doesn't recognize the death of an aborted child or the pain of the parents as significant. People who choose abortion are told to get through it, get over it, and move on.
Through healing programs, we are encouraged to grieve, acknowledge our children, and memorialize them. After completing those programs, we often try to shut the door to that part of our lives and assume we are done. It isn't realistic to believe you will never think about that child again or the circumstances that led to the abortion decision.
Triggers
A trigger is a thing, a person, or a situation that takes you back to your abortion experience(s). Triggers vary in scope and impact. They can evoke sadness, frustration, and anger. They also can threaten your sense of well-being and make you question everything you accomplished through your after-abortion healing work.
A person's list of triggers is as individual as the person herself/himself. A trigger can be seeing a mother and baby together; it can be an odor like the disinfectant at the abortion clinic; it can be overhearing someone (especially in church) say, "I don't understand how anyone could have an abortion." A family member or friend who is a vocal pro-abortion champion and unaware of your experience can be a trigger. Divisive conversation about abortion in the media is triggering.
Reacting to a trigger does not mean your healing never happened or has gone away. Sylvia Blakely, Founder of Arise Daughter, believes triggers have a purpose: "Let that unexpected trigger help you to walk through the next open door. God is waiting there with the answers to the questions that you are only now ready to ask and have answers to. I can testify to the fact that the trigger won't magically go away; you and Holy Spirit will have to partner on the healing."
Remember
Time goes by and we forget the "aha" moments in our program(s) that opened the door to our healing. What was it about that particular word or truth that changed you? Do you meditate on the scriptures that helped you know, down to your bones, that God forgives you and that your sin is removed as far as the East is from the West?
If an old grudge or hurt related to your abortion(s) monopolizes your thoughts, there may be someone you need to forgive or forgive again. Have the conversation, write the letter (the kind you don't mail), and take every thought captive.
Our enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Do not let negative thoughts chip away at your healing. Reread Ephesians 6:10-18.
Seek Community
Remember the overwhelming relief you felt (after the fear subsided) when you first shared your story in a safe setting?
In her groundbreaking book, Forbidden Grief, Dr. Theresa Burke stresses the importance of community in our healing. "The importance of social support to the grief process reflects an important aspect of our human nature: Though we are individuals, we are inescapably social beings. The lack of social support will degrade or destroy our well-being. Conversely, the experience of social support, in even a single relationship, can strengthen our well-being."
Our need for community doesn't end when the group is over. It is freedom to talk with a person, or a group, who shares your experience. Seek out an aftercare program. They are becoming more available for women; and for men. These drop-in sessions, in person or on Zoom, provide an outlet for sharing and listening about setbacks and victories in the healing process. It will remind you that you are not alone.
Learning the breadth and depth of God's word doesn't occur in a weekly service or meeting. It takes study and prayer overtime to comprehend God's love and plan for our lives. Likewise, it takes a lifetime to fully understand the impact of abortion on our lives and the immeasurable love and mercy of God that He extends to us at each advance and each regression in our healing. He is with you!
Cindy Violet
Pregnancy Decision Health Centers
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